THE DAY WE CLOGGED UP RED'S

Every neighborhood has a local “hangout.” For some it’s a bar, or a record store, but for us kids, it was Red’s.  Red's was a candy store across the street from Parkchester. No one quite knows how it got the name Red's; there was no signage that said "RED'S;" to my knowledge there was no one who worked there named Red. Maybe the original proprietor was named Red. Whatever. Red's had a tile floor, you know the small black and white diamond pattern you see in a lot of old Italian restaurants in the Bronx? And it was always, and I do mean always, greasy. Many a customer would walk into Red's only to be met with gales of repressed laughter as they went ass over elbows. After they were sitting square on their butts, completely humiliated, someone from behind the counter would say, "watch out, the floor's slippery!" God, people can be cruel. Red's was the "Official North Quad Hangout: Candy Store Classification." You see, we had pizzeria hangouts, music store handouts, deli hangouts, etc. Red's was the candy store/soda fountain hangout in the North Quad. If you don't know what I mean by Quad, read Red Zombies first. Okay, so Red's had the stainless steel, red cushioned stools that you could spin around on endlessly until you fell off, got yelled at to stop or puked. The floor behind the counter had wood slatted mats so the help wouldn't go ass over elbows like the many unfortunate customers. You could get cherry coke, lemon coke or just regular coke and they were made with seltzer water, AKA club soda, cola syrup and the cherry or lemon flavoring. Real malted milks (known to many as "malts") were the specialty of the house along with "egg crèmes." Egg crèmes were made with seltzer, chocolate syrup and milk; they were really a carbonated chocolate milk. Any of these wonderful taste sensations were like nectar of the gods, especially on a hot summer day. They also served hamburgers and hotdogs, but none of us kids ever had enough money to buy those, and if we ever were fortunate enough to have that kind of money, we'd go to the Palace Theatre, sit in the balcony and throw JuJu Beads, Junior Mints or Howie Bloom on the people down below (we never really threw Howie over the ledge, but we sure wanted to at times). Red's was also the place where the high school students gathered after school to smoke. I had not reached that level of maturity yet, but it wasn't too far off. Swennyway, this is where the North Quad, 4^th grade version of the Cosa Nostra hung out every afternoon, until Sal, the owner, instituted a two soda minimum. The outrage could be heard from Tremont Ave. to Westchester Square. TWO SODA MINIMUM? Even the "well-to-do" high school students were up in arms. High and low level summit meetings were held to discuss what could be done. Even the other Quads were involved. After all, each Quad had it's own "RED'S," what if the other owners did the same thing? What if Carl's Pizzeria initiated a 2 slice/LARGE Coke minimum? What if Harmony Music adopted a "you play you pay" policy for their 45's? Something had to be done to stop Red's. But what? In retrospect, a boycott would have done the trick, but you have to realize, we were New York street kids and we had no clue who Thoreau, Ghandi, or Martin Luther King, Jr. were. No, we had to "get him." And get him we did.

Red's was the corner store of a huge block containing at least 50 small bakeries, pizzerias, delis, and diners along with Harmony Music, Toy Sun Chinese restaurant, an A&P and the infamous Palace Theatre. This block was probably built sometime before World War I, so the plumbing must have been at least 65 years old. All we wanted to do was flood the bathrooms, but what happened is probably still talked about today. Armed with roll after roll of toilet paper in our knapsacks as well as sawed off broom sticks, the good little Catholic boys from St. Helena's grammar school, along with Howie Bloom from Yashiva school, clandestinely entered Red's with mischief on their minds. With people posted at the doors of the men's and ladies rooms, we proceeded to jam roll after roll of toilet paper into the commodes. On the appointed signal, we proceeded to flush and haul ass out of the restroom. Well, this must have been the straw that broke the camel's back for the plumbing, because not only did we see water coming out from under the doors of the restrooms, but brown water at that….lots of it….accompanied by the worst stench known to man. The pressure on the plumbing must have done something to the other pipes because before long the water coming out of the faucets behind the counter was a chunky brown. A mass exodus took place with people coughing, gagging and screaming….it reminded me of a Godzilla movie. Okay, in retrospect, it was a rotten thing to do and had we been caught, it would have cost our parents a fortune and, it didn't change the two soda minimum. But, when I returned to New York the first time after moving in 1966, kids in the North Quad were still talking about it and claiming that they personally knew the perps. That was a lie. We learned early on, if you're going to pull off a great prank, you have to be satisfied to let it be known only to the perps, otherwise, you're going down. And that was the day we clogged up Red's. I wonder if I'm the first one to break the silence.